The Perfect Circle of Stagnation

stagnateanddie

The idea of stagnation has been an absolute reoccurring theme when it comes to my life right now…

As of almost every post that I have typed and posted, I have no idea where this is going and I don’t even know if I will end up posting this in the end. I usually just stare at the publishing button until someone or something gives me an excuse to go do something else with my time.

But with the idea of stagnation and with the image that is at the top, I feel as if m life as come to a dead stop and I have been in the same place educationally, spiritually, and emotionally.

I guess we can go right down the list when I talk about how stagnant I have become with my education, but it seems to be out of my hands. Here I am with a 5 course load at a “State” College wondering why I have to endure an eternal struggle in order to do what I love to do and start my career. I am looked at as a honors student with a load of work that to others seem impossible to take on, but on the inside I am bored out of my mind. I scheduled my classes for the semester to be for a majority on Mondays and Wednesday with two additional classes on Friday, and the reason for this setup was so I could keep myself working so I do not become an educated hobo in life. The courses are not hard and I entered the honors program hoping that I would be drowning in work to keep this wondering mind of mine busy at all times but it seems that I have even more time on my hands than ever. Whenever I am not at school, I am still on campus working at the local bookstore working eleven hour shifts everyday I am not at school and I still seem to have way to much time on my hands.

When I use the word “spiritually” the first thing that come to mind is the thought of religion and how in the eyes of almost my whole family I am a young mind who will burn in eternal damnation because I refuse to believe in the world of hardcore Catholicism that I was raised in my whole life. No matter what happens to the world or me, I will have nothing but pure love for both my mother and father and the choices that my siblings made to follow the Catholic church, but the whole idea just seemed to not fit with me well. My mother blames it on the idea that I am away from home and the devils temptation as gotten to me since “I have always been weak minded when it came to the opposite sex” (her literal words) and my father blames my decisions on books that were written by the devil and his demons. For the most part I lean do not lean to either side of that insane spectrum that my parents have developed over my reasoning of not having any kind of religious affiliation. Trust me, I have given them the facts that I do know and have tried countless times to have a civil and intellectual conversation on why I chose to be the way that I am about religion but it always seems to end up the same way…my mother in almost tears and my father saying the same stories from the bible that he has been telling me my whole life. The real stagnation begins when I finally realized that they are the real lucky ones for not seeing what I see when it comes to religion. To follow something that you have no factual evidence on and follow a teaching based purely on the idea of faith astonishes me. I envy the people who are happy with their religious ideals and have not questioned the who or why, but instead have lived life with the certain blindness that allows them to accept a certain religion without as much as a second thought.

When it comes to emotions, I know that I am the type of person who has so many walls, I make an onion jealous over all the layers that I have toward other people. The reason for the build up is because I have come to the realization that the person that I thought was the love of life was definitely not on the same page as me. Long story short I was in a relationship for a good six years of my life with a girl and had all implications for marriage and to grow old with this girl, but she seemed to not have the same thoughts so she not so subtly dumped me and is now engaged to a guy that she has only been going out with for a a year and half and I think that is what really did me in. The questions rolled through my head over and over “what did he do that I didn’t” and things of that nature that pretty much caused some serious psychological damage when it comes to who I decided to grow feelings for. I was 1000% sure that I would have died a lonely farmer on my fathers ranch until about five months ago when life threw me one of the best curve balls in my life. It came in the embodiment of a brunette that just happened to be my neighbor in the apartment complex that I was iffy about when my roommates and I signed the lease. Her name was M and as every guy knows there are girls where all we think about is getting into bed and there is that one girl that hits you like wall and the only thing you can possibly want is to know her and love her. The stagnation comes into play with the way my onion ass is not able to pull the trigger on how I feel about this girl. Not the way I feel really, but the idea that be getting hurt is stopping me from being happy with this girl who obviously wants to be with me and vice versa but my walls are not coming down because way deep in the back of my mind there is still the idea of rejection. I know that she will say yes and there is almost no doubt that it will be an amazing experience. So why can I not ask her to dinner?

And that is what has been happening to me, sorry for the lack of posting, hopefully more coming soon!

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